Satya Week 1: Being Nice

Deborah Adele begins the exploration of Satya, truthfulness, by defining truth in opposition to lying.

“A lie would make no sense unless the truth was thought to be dangerous”

-Carl Jung

In our modern world, danger is often not in the form of a tiger jumping out at us, but in our social relationships. Middle School is the perfect example of this. Almost everyone probably has a story of being made fun of in the vicious way that only pre-teens can devastate others. Those moments feel dangerous, even if we’re lucky enough to know we’re not in any physical danger. Biologically, humans know that it is dangerous to be without a tribe. We need our social structures to survive. Previously, because we needed others to help hunt and gather and care for children and stay warm. Now, more because our biology and brain chemistry has developed to require some minimum threshold of positive human connection.

So we lie. We may feel that if we tell the truth we’re in danger of losing love, hurting someone’s feelings, or being pitied or reviled. Our lies are not always in the form of a verbal fib, but in the way we present ourselves to the world. We might wear the outer trappings of a person we feel will be most accepted in our social environment. We might change the way we speak, behave, or the activities we engage in not because we have a genuine desire to do so, but because we fear the consequences if we don’t.

Adele calls the ways in which we present ourselves in a socially acceptable manner “being nice.” Being nice is the cursory, “polite,” all-too-common exchange: Hi there; how are you? I’m good, you? I’m good.

How often do we ask that question in earnest to really hear the answer? How often do we answer that question with honesty and trust? Adele draws a line between nice and real. As someone who considers herself to be a Nice Person, I found this section to be challenging. I like being nice to people. Nice plays right into my wheelhouse of people-pleasing, avoiding confrontation at all costs, and putting everyone else’s comfort before my own needs.

For me, the part of this section that drove home the point Adele was trying to make was an anecdote about meeting her husband because I had a similar experience with my fiance. When we first started spending time together, I was not looking for a romantic relationship and so I didn’t worry about a lot of things I usually would have at the beginning of a relationship. I let myself be completely myself, messy and unfiltered because I figured I had nothing to lose. As our relationship developed, it was able to grow from a foundation of realness. There was no subterfuge or trying to impress each other. I didn’t have to think about the perfect point in our relationship to let him see me with no makeup, or when to express my real opinions about things, or when to let him see how often I ugly cry. We were able to move forward in transparency, honesty, and true connection. The bullshit didn’t have to be stripped away because it was never there.

The gift of realness instead of being nice is that it tacitly gives others permission to be real in return. At least in some part, I think we’re all just waiting for someone to say “it’s ok to be exactly how you are. You don’t need to be afraid.” Small acts of realness allow everyone to

live from a place where there is nothing to defend and nothing to manage. […] Real, though not always pleasant, is trustworthy.

So, this warning against “being nice” is not advocating for more unkindness in the world. (We have more than enough of that, and remember Satya must be couched in Ahimsa) But rather, an encouragement for true kindness. Before you ask someone how they are doing make sure you can truly listen and be present for the answer. When you answer that question, give that person the gift of honesty.

I leave you with this exploratory question:

What is driving you to distort yourself or silence yourself or say yes when you mean no?